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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/22355851">505</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/howsolocanyougo/pseuds/howsolocanyougo'>howsolocanyougo</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Star Wars Sequel Trilogy</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Casual Sex, College, College Parties, Complete, F/M, Heartbreak, Infidelity, Lack of Communication, Marijuana, Marriage Story vibes, Mutual Pining, New York State, Non-Linear Narrative, Physical Intimacy, Recreational Drug Use, Sex in hotel rooms, Songfic, Virginity, accidental marriage story vibes, actually hopeful, author didn't go to Vassar, author is a New Yorker, background Damerey, both sexual and emotional, covering all my bases here lol, discussion of virginity, implied loss of virginity, societal pressures around virginity, the ending is hopeful but not like the TRoS cast said, we never meet Poe</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-01-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-02-17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-04-28 08:54:24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>7,551</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/22355851</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/howsolocanyougo/pseuds/howsolocanyougo</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Ben and Rey meet freshman year of college. What follows is a twisting romance of need, intimacy, codependency and  heartbreak, where each will do whatever they can to keep their connection alive.</p><p>—<br/>Inspired by the song "505" by the Arctic Monkeys. Updates weekly on Mondays.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Finn/Rose Tico, Kylo Ren/Rey, Poe Dameron/Rey, Rey &amp; Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Rey/Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>61</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>105</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. i'm going back to 505</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>After beta'ing so many wonderful fics for the past year and a half, I've finally taken the plunge with my own! A HUGE thank you to no-one-at-the-beach, malevolentreverie, and smallenoughtofit for your support, your feedback, and your own amazing stories. </p><p>This fic started as just a songfic, but as I wrote I found myself pulling deeply from my own well of heartbreak. It felt really good to put it in writing and see the (long since over) relationship that inspired so much of this from another perspective.</p><p>If you aren't familiar with "505" I HIGHLY recommend giving it a listen. Not just to catch references throughout this story, but for your own enjoyment. It encompasses the darkness of codependency and longing better than anything I know, and it's also a gorgeous song.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>BEN</p><p>The cab pulls away from the arrivals terminal curb. Ben's hands curl to fists in anticipation — the last stretch is always the hardest part. Yet there are never any surprises when he gets there. He will check in, get the key, go to the room where she will be waiting in some form of undress. They will say almost nothing to each other aside from what's moaned, shouted, whispered in the throes of their frantic coupling. After one night, she will leave and go back to her side of the country.</p><p>They always meet like this. Stolen moments, sometimes just hours in a bed, in an anonymous hotel room, in any deadbeat town. It doesn't much matter where or when, they always show up, no questions asked.</p><p>He can barely remember a time when she didn't cry after. Without fail — in the shower, on the other side of the linen expanse yawning between them, even a single tear rolling down as she rolls her packed suitcase out the door — and it's a helpful reminder to him that he doesn't deserve her. He's never been good enough for anything good, why should she be any different?</p><p>He understands why every few months he finds himself tapping out a date, hotel name, and city. Their message thread reads like a spy's logbook — an almost indecipherable pattern playing out in the bubbles of blue and gray. No "Happy Birthday" texts. No half-hearted "Congratulations" when she got engaged. No "I'm sorry for your loss" when Han died. Whatever it is between them only exists when they’re in the room together.</p><p>He doesn't understand what leads her to him just as frequently. He used to think it happened whenever she traveled for work, but he began to notice she never packed a garment bag, or laptop, or even makeup. Whatever drives her to him renders her panicked and urgent, tossing the barest essentials into a carry-on in her race out the door. The thought makes his chest puff with some sick pride and breaks his heart that she's just as fucked up as he is. </p><p>This is what they do. It's been years of this. He would lose count if not for every detail of their first meeting seared into his memory. </p><p>--</p><p>
  <em>The haze of the spliff he shared with Hux on the way to the party weighed him down into the couch, classmates chattering and drinking around him. He sipped from the red cup of beer in his hand. It was warm and too foamy, and a reminder that college freshmen shouldn't try to work kegs. The cliché was hard to resist for a group of barely 18 year olds trying to be some kind of normal. Everyone in the room was a half-baked person, including him. Hux was talking about his Philosophy 101 class, but Ben wasn't really listening. He'd done the philosophy fuckboy thing in high school and had little interest in bearing witness to his roommate's discovery of Kirkegaard. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>When he spotted her, she was trailing behind a guy from Ben's hall. She was beautiful — long brown hair cascading over slender shoulders. Her broad smile cracked into bubbling laughter. It rang out over the shitty, thumping music.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Her companion seemed to be introducing her around — that would explain why Ben didn't recognize her. Hux spotted them and waved, drawing them over. Ben's heart started to pound, though he wasn't sure why. He'd seen beautiful women before.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Hey, Hux! Rey, Hux is in my Intro to Philosophy class. Rey is basically my sister, she's visiting for the weekend," the guy shouted above the music.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Sister. Ben released a breath he didn't realize he was holding.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Nice to meet you," Hux said, shaking Rey’s hand. "Finn, do you know my roommate, Ben?" He gestured to Ben, whose mouth must have been a bit agape staring at her.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"No I don't think so. Good to meet you," Finn said.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Likewise," Ben replied. "Are you in college too?" He wanted to know everything about her.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Yeah, I'm a freshman at Binghamton, just a few hours away by bus." God, she was even more stunning up close. He liked having her look at him.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Well, I'm going to grab us some beers. Rey, you ok here?" Finn asked. Her eyes flickered towards Ben.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I'll come with you — you still need to introduce me to Rose, is she here?" </em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I think I spotted her heading into the basement," Hux chimed in, to Ben's chagrin. He didn't want her to go to the basement, he wanted her to stay right here where he could gape at her and further embarrass himself.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"To the basement!" Finn announced. Rey giggled.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"It was nice to meet you both," she said as they turned to leave.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"You too," Ben said to her back.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Well there's a story there," Hux said, sitting back on the couch. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>"What do you mean?" </em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Did you see her? Men and women can't be friends without sex or feelings or both getting in the way, especially not when the woman is that hot."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I don't know… you and Phasma haven't hooked up yet," Ben said.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Not for my lack of trying." </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Ben's eyes wandered to where Finn and Rey were collecting their beers and making their way to the dance party downstairs.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>A while later, after Hux peeled off in pursuit of what he called a "sexual conquest," Ben made his way to the house's back porch. Refreshed by the crisp October air, he pulled out his lighter and removed the spliff from behind his ear. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>The lighter clicked a few times before successfully igniting. He took a long drag, the sound of rowdy college students stumbling in the distance.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Mind if I have a drag?" </em>
</p><p>
  <em>He turned to see Rey pulling her coat on as she stepped out the back door. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>He swallowed thickly. "It's more tobacco than weed."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"That's fine." She came up next to him and he handed it to her.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Thanks." He watched as she took a deep pull, held it in her lungs, then exhaled.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Did you guys find Rose?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Yeah, she's really sweet. We danced for a bit but I could tell they wanted some privacy." She smiled at him knowingly. "Young love, and all that."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The scoff was out of his mouth before he could stop it. She raised an eyebrow at him as she passed back the spliff.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"No one our age knows what love is," he explained before taking a drag. He looked out at the backyard as he held the smoke in.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Haven't you ever had your heart broken, Ben?" </em>
</p><p>
  <em>He sputtered, coughing furls of smoke into the air.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Oh, you haven't." Her tone was slightly teasing, slightly sad as she held her hand out for the spliff. "Well, whoever does will be an unlucky person. It's a terrible thing to have your heart broken — almost worse to do the breaking."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"You're a heartbreaker, then?" He teased, his voice still ragged. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>She was quiet for a while, pulling a few drags and watching her exhales swirl. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>"You don't have to-"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I remember the look in my mother's eyes as she called Child's Services. I think it broke her heart that she couldn't take care of me." </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Ben had no idea how to respond to that. Silence fell between them.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Not to harsh your vibe, or anything." She laughed a little, as if suddenly self-aware and embarrassed. She passed the spliff back to him. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>"No, don't apologize. Thank you for… trusting me with that." He wanted so badly for her to keep sharing herself with him — to never go back inside, to just pass this rapidly burning spliff between them for eternity.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Well, what's your deal? Never had your heart broken. Raised by both of your parents, I'm guessing? Fancy private college education." It was like she was ticking off his privileges one by one.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I think the only tragic thing about me is there's nothing tragic about me." He didn't realize it was true until he said it.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>She laughed, it was almost melodic. "Well, I appreciate your honesty. That's rare in a guy our age." Her phone buzzed and she pulled it out to check. "Shit… Finn is sexiling me, and I'm supposed to crash on his floor."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Oh. That's… not cool."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Understatement of the century. I haven't seen him since the summer and he's chosen tonight to lose his virginity. I'm not opposed to him getting lucky, I just wish it wasn't at my expense." </em>
</p><p>
  <em>At the mention of sex, Ben sputtered again. He handed back what remained of the spliff. "You should have the last hit, you deserve it."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Regular Prince Charming over here," she teased, taking it. "Fuck, I guess I can sleep on the couch in the common area…"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"The RAs do rounds at 1am and Security usually comes through in the middle of the night too, you'd probably get kicked out."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Fuck," she said a bit more emphatically, stubbing out the rest of the spliff.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"But my room has a couch.” This was a terrible idea, and Ben had all kinds of terrible ideas in his short life. "I can't attest to its comfort, but if you need a place to crash, it's yours."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>She met his gaze and bit her lip, as if mulling her options. His eyes fixated on where her front teeth pulled the skin in. She had beautiful lips.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"No funny business? Because Finn is on the football team and he will beat you up if I ask him to." The threat sounded legitimate, though her tone was playful.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He held his hands up in surrender. "No funny business. As a gesture of goodwill, I will procure you a feast of the finest late night munchies my room has to offer."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>She smiled at him. It was bright, and beautiful, and he wanted to make it happen again.</em>
</p><p>--</p><p>The cab slows to a stop, pulling him out of his reverie. They had only been kids then. He would give anything to go back to that night and kick himself in the balls — anything to deter his 18 year old self from thinking he deserved her, from thinking he could make her smile, from bringing her back to that shitty dorm room and setting the 10 years that followed into motion.</p><p>He thanks the driver and pulls his bag from the trunk. Inside, the hotel offers just enough gloss to not be seedy. Polished to point of tolerable to sleep in without wanting to linger. "Ben Solo, I believe the room is under Rey Jones."</p><p>"Yes, your wife checked in already." His eye twitches. "Here is your room key, you'll just take the elevator to the fifth floor." </p><p>Yes, he knows how room numbers and elevators work. "Thank you."</p><p>He taps on the card in anticipation as the elevator inches to the fifth floor. He feels more nervous than usual. They've done this plenty of times since her engagement. He feared the thread would go cold once he saw the announcement on Instagram, but only days later she'd sent another date and location. Relief had flooded him at the time, and he hadn't dared to ask about it. He doesn't ask about anything. It's what she wants, and he couldn't bear to give her anything less than that.</p><p>They both know what this is. Ten years of small talk and weekend sex marathons has trained them well. </p><p>The doors ding open and he steps out, following signs to 505. The last room on the left, nice and far from the other rooms. He always prefers the privacy offered by distance from the elevator bank.</p><p>He takes a deep breath before holding up the keycard and pushing inside.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Some definitions:</p><p>spliff: like a joint, but with tobacco mixed in.</p><p>Kirkegaard: Danish philosopher, considered the first existentialist.</p><p>sexiling: when your roommate kicks you out so they can hook up, also known as "a real dick move," also known as "sometimes necessary."</p><p>SUNY Binghamton: a public university in the State University of New York system.</p><p>Vassar: a small liberal arts college in New York State.</p><p>Easy Mac: box macaroni and cheese; cheap; garbage/incredible depending on level of hungry and sobriety.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. when you look at me like that my darling what did you expect</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>a POV change and a short chapter.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>REY</p><p>
  <em>"You know, as far as boys' dorm rooms go, this is pretty nice." </em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Thanks, I guess?" Ben smiled crookedly, running a hand through his raven hair. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I do mean it as a compliment. Poor Rose is currently losing her virginity in a much messier, unadorned space two floors down." Yikes, that was too much information, and she mentioned the virginity thing again. Could Ben tell how self-conscious she was about still having hers? The weed and shitty beer and rush of being alone with him was making her chatty. Too chatty. She'd already told him more than most people she called friends. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Well, I hope they're having a good time," he said, laughing. "I believe I promised you munchies?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I believe you did. What's on the menu?" What Rey really wanted was to close the distance between them and press her lips to his. She'd wanted that since the moment she laid eyes on him. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Microwave popcorn, instant Easy Mac, and chocolate chip cookies. Also another spliff, if you want?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Her stomach rumbled. "All the above?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“You got it. Do you know how to roll? I can get the food going. We can just open the window and smoke in here.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Yeah, I can do that.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Ben gestured to his desk. “Stuff is in the top drawer. I’ll get the popcorn.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>She nodded, smiling. When he returned moments later with a full bowl, she was putting the finishing touches on their spliff. Something about the moment felt domestic — not at all like they were essentially strangers. Ben propped open the window, the chilly air surrounding them as they sat on the sill to smoke with the popcorn between them.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“So, how does Vassar compare to Binghamton?”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“It’s a lot smaller,” she replied, handing him the spliff. “I would have much preferred to go to a place like this, but I could only afford state tuition.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Well they say it’s the best SUNY. Academically. The most prestigious, I mean.” He was trying to compliment her, and it was only sort of working. He lit the spliff, and they began to pass it between them.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I know it’s good ‘for a state school’ but I’m really not too proud about it. Or anything. I’ll get my degree and then I’m getting out of New York.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Where do you want to go after graduation?” Ben asked.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Out west? Settle down somewhere warm, ideally with someone who loves me. I don't have the best memories of this part of the country." She felt her cheeks redden as she remembered her earlier admission.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Yeah, sounds like you have every right to leave." His tone was hard to read, and the weed wasn't helping.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>She knew the polite thing to do would be to ask him about himself, his plans. But now that they sat face to face, she was enraptured by his face. The way the streetlight outside cast a shadow against his striking features, she couldn't look away.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Have you had sex yet?" She really couldn't resist. Her life was messy enough, she didn't want to dance around this particular aspect of it all night and miss her chance to explore those plush lips. Plus, she found she liked surprising him.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Really?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Yes, I'm really asking." </em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I haven't yet. I'm not that worried about it."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Well that's because you're a guy! What do you have to worry about?" Rey felt the indignation rising in her voice.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"According to every teen movie ever — a whole lot, I guess. But I figure it'll happen when it's supposed to."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>She realized she'd leaned forward at some point, so she sat back against the sill. Her eyes never left his. "I used to think Finn and I would lose our virginities to each other. We were such close friends, it seemed the logical, easy option."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Well, your logical, easy option is going out the window as we speak."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I think that's ok. I think I don't really want easy or logical. I think I want someone I'm attracted to."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"That sounds like a reasonable approach." He didn't get it.</em>
</p><p><em>"I think I want</em> you,<em> Ben."</em></p><p>--</p><p>She hears the door beep and click open, but she stays where she is — on the bed, her naked back to him.</p><p>He walks in, drops his bag, roots around for something, and one by one she hears him remove every piece of clothing.</p><p>She's pulled back the comforter, lying with her hands tucked between her thighs. He moves behind her back to spoon her, kissing her shoulder.</p><p>What these meetings lack in meaningful conversation, they make up for in near constant physical contact. It's a drug to her — better than the weed she quit years ago, better than anyone else's touch. </p><p>"Is everything alright?" He kisses up her neck and his wicked tongue pulls her earlobe into his mouth. He presses closer to her.</p><p>It's never been alright and she is a colossal fuck up. Everything she touches turns to shit. She feels the tears well in her eyes and they start to roll onto her pillow before she can stop them. He stills.</p><p>"Rey?" He sits up and rolls her onto her back to make her meet his gaze.</p><p>"Don't. We don't do that."</p><p>He looks like he's been slapped, so she pulls his chin to her and kisses him deeply. He holds back for a few moments before melting into her. Eventually, the tears subside as they both get lost in the ritual. This is what they do. This is the one thing they've always done. And he doesn't know it yet, but this is the last time.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I'M SO SORRY FOR THE CLIFFHANGER please forgive me</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. knife twists at the thought that i should fall short of the mark</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Dialing the angst up to 11.</p><p>———</p><p>Surprise! An early update to ward off the Sunday Scaries &lt;3</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>BEN</p><p>
  <em>"Wow, you are not subtle, are you?" Ben asked, incredulous. Her expression was fixed, her eyes flickering to his lips. He stubbed out the half-smoked spliff. "Are you serious?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Do you want me?" Her voice was small, but nothing about her face indicated doubt. She read him like a book.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Jesus… I mean, of course I do. You're gorgeous, but is this a good idea? We just met and you don't even go here."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"That's why it's perfect. No awkward run ins at the dining hall or longing glances at the library. Just one night with someone we both find attractive — no strings attached. And then this virginity nonsense is over and done with." </em>
</p><p>
  <em>His brain tried to play out all the scenarios in which this could go horribly wrong, but his tightening pants were making logical thinking a challenge.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>She must have taken something in his expression as a yes. "Will your roommate — what's his name, Hugs? — be back soon, and do you have a condom?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He felt his face flush deeply. "I can text him, but I think he had other sleeping arrangements planned tonight anyway. And yes, second drawer."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>She smiled and hopped off the sill in search of protection. He smashed out what he hoped was a coherent text to Hux. When he looked up, she was already wiggling out of her jeans, crop top in a pile on the floor. He raced to catch up and froze when she went to take off her bra.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Wait-" he said, like a complete idiot. Her brow furrowed.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"What?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Can I?" He gestured vaguely at her bra.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Think you can hack it?" She teased, turning her back to show the clasp to him.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He brought his fingers to the fabric and in one fell swoop it fell to the floor. His hands settled on her hips and he pressed a kiss into her shoulder. "I'm a virgin, not a monk," he mumbled into her shoulder. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Her breathing was shallow and her eyes alight. She smiled. Holy shit, this was really happening. He took her delicate chin in his hand and coaxed her lips to his. She turned in his arms, their chests pressing together. Her hands came up to rest around his neck.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"So… bed?" She asked.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Oh- yeah. I'm just gonna-" he released her and pulled the extra long twin mattress from its rusted metal frame and onto the floor. "Hopefully a little more comfortable," he said sheepishly.</em>
</p><p><em>"So you </em>have<em> thought about losing your virginity." She was smiling, her arms held up to cover her breasts. </em></p><p>
  <em>"Yes, I'm an eighteen year old, Rey." He liked saying her name, liked the way it felt in his mouth. He wanted to kiss her again. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>They lowered to the mattress, climbing under his comforter. The heat, the closeness was almost stifling. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Remember, no strings attached," she said, though he couldn't tell for whose benefit.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>REY</p><p>What happens after is just as much a part of the ritual as the sex itself. They shower together, if she cries he lets her without saying anything, they usually have sex again under the steaming water. They might order room service or put the news on so they can talk about something that doesn’t matter — something that isn't shrouded in years of codependency and hurt.</p><p>She knows this time it's different, and she wonders if he can tell. He could always read her like a book. It's part of why they don't have to talk. She thinks she can read him pretty well, too. </p><p>She's not the only one who cries. The first time after Han died, when he'd texted her to meet less than a day after posting about it on Facebook, he cried after. Rey had never met the grizzled man but she knew how fraught their relationship was. She held Ben as sobs wracked his body, his tears mixing with his hair, still damp from the shower.</p><p>Sometimes, they never speak at all. Their routine an almost choreographed dance of urgency and need. Each trying to take something from the other without giving an ounce of themselves. Whatever this is between them, it's violent. It's alive. It's ending.</p><p>"Can I?" He holds up his soapy hands and she turns to face him, the steaming water washing her sin, her badness away. </p><p>"Sure." She gives him a little smile and steps closer. He brings a hand to each shoulder, letting them slide down tenderly over each breast. He looks at her body as he does this, but she can't look away from his eyes. She once thought she understood what was happening inside his head, but she’s long since realized she was wrong. How can he look at her like this and not want more than sex? His hands come down and around to her back, and he pulls her closer for a kiss.</p><p>She wonders if he's ever loved anyone. She gave up asking him about his love life years ago. It seems his dedication to his career and personal comfort has taken precedence over meaningful attachments. She keeps tabs on his social media, but there hasn't been so much as a selfie with another woman in years.</p><p>She can't help but moan into his mouth. It encourages him, and he brings one hand down to cup her ass. Her fingers rake into his hair, and they stay there until the water runs cold.</p><p>After, they order room service because one cannot subsist on airplane peanuts and ejaculate alone. Her head rests on his chest as they mull their meager options and decide, as they always do, to share two dishes. For a while, he was on some bullshit paleo-keto-no carb diet, which made it almost impossible to share. She thinks her relentless teasing and complaining got him to drop it and eat normal food again.</p><p>She savors the food, the shared meal more than usual. She lets him feed her off his fork. She's never had a pet, but she imagines she's treating him like a pet owner would treat their dog the day before it's put down. Enjoy this while you can, buddy. You deserve one last fun day.</p><p>Showered, fed, and sexually satiated, they lie together in bed. His pointer finger is gently drawing circles onto her stomach. She can't wait any longer.</p><p>"Ben…" her eyes are trained on the ceiling, and she can't fight the pricking behind her eyes. "We have to stop."</p><p>She hears his breath catch.</p><p>"Really? You feel guilty <em>now</em>?" His voice is tinged with annoyance, like he doesn’t really believe her. She knew this would happen. He would never tolerate a disruption in his comfort, his routine. "We've been fucking for years since you guys got together. We didn't stop then, we haven't stopped since the engagement. You're developing a conscience now?" He's sitting up now, she still won't meet his eye.</p><p>"Poe has always known." She's trying to keep her voice level but she can't keep the warble out of it when she says, "I think he's known from the beginning. But now that we're getting married-"</p><p>"He wants you all to himself? To trap you? Great way to start a marriage."</p><p>"Have you ever thought that <em>you're</em> the one who is trapping me? That there are things I want that you can't give me?" She gets up to pull on fresh underwear and a ratty black Ramones t-shirt. "Or won't give me."</p><p>She keeps her back to him.</p><p>"Rey, how am I supposed to know what you want? We never talk. You put up these walls, you can't punish me for respecting them."</p><p>"You have always known what I want. I've wanted the same thing since I was eighteen."</p><p>Her voice is calm. She can't get into this. She can't try to fix it or let him try. She has to forge ahead. The messier the break, the better. She needs to burn this bridge so she can't come crawling back to him — ever.</p><p>"Poe figured it out years ago. Not who, just that there was someone else," she continues. "When he proposed, it was under the condition that after the wedding it is only him." She takes a deep breath, steeling herself before turning to face him. She keeps her eyes down, afraid what she'll see in his eyes.</p><p>"Rey-" Oh God, his voice is strangled. She can't bear it.</p><p>"Poe loves me. He will be my family, and he has given me so many chances to be the fuck up that I am, so don't make this harder than it is." Fuck, now she's crying. </p><p>"Rey, I can't-" she can't help it, she looks up and he is just devastated. "Rey, I can't stop. We can't stop, please." </p><p>"Ben, I don't have a choice."</p><p>"You <em>do</em> have a choice."</p><p>"My mistake was thinking I didn't have a choice earlier. That I had to go when you called, that I had to give into myself when I wanted you. This is the only way I can have what I've always wanted, so this is my choice. I'm sorry." She's not sure if she is, actually, but she doesn't know what else to say. </p><p>He's getting angry now, thrashing against her finally taking control. "You have chosen <em>everything</em> about this. You chose California, you put this distance between us. You said no strings attached from the first day we met! How was I supposed to know? Rey, you never gave me a chance to be what you wanted. I thought you wanted this. I've only ever wanted you — any way I could be close to you, no matter how much it hurt me."</p><p>He's just saying this to trap her. He doesn't mean it, he can't mean it. If any of this was true, she would know it already. If he wanted to build something with her, they would have already. </p><p>"Hurt <em>you</em>? Don't lie to me. It's a bad look on you," she feels so tired. This conversation won't be productive, it won't change anything. Now she just needs to pack her bag and go. Back to Poe, back to the only family she can count on. Now, and for the rest of her life. “You can’t keep me here, in this purgatory between being nothing to each other and being everything to each other. It’s not fair to me. I want more. I deserve more.”</p><p>Silence — his fists are balled at his sides, his head hung. When he speaks again it is the most pathetic thing she's ever heard. "Rey, I wish I knew. Please, don't do this." </p><p>--</p><p>
  <em>"Please, don't do this," she said as she pulled Ben's comforter over her head. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Hey, I made promises about Easy Mac. I intend to keep them." Rey peeked out at him. He got up from the mattress and checked his phone as he pulled his jeans back on. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Do you have a shirt I could borrow?" She asked, sitting up. The gentle ache between her thighs roused at the movement, but it didn't bother her. It made something within her swell — maybe with pride, but she was quickly distracted by the rumbling in her stomach.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Yeah, sure." He reached into a drawer. "Take this one, it's nice and soft." He handed her a faded black Ramones t-shirt.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Thanks," she smiled at him. He met her eye.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"You feeling ok?" </em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I'm feeling good. You?" </em>
</p><p>
  <em>He laughed. "I'm feeling fucking incredible." He leaned down and caught her lips in a kiss. "I'll be right back." He left and pulled the door shut behind him. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>She fell back on the bed. That wasn't so bad. When she first laid eyes on him she hadn't expected him to be tender. The smile on her face faded. Too bad she'd never see him again. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>She pulled out her phone to see several missed texts and two missed calls from Finn. They didn't have protection so they decided to wait a little longer. He apologized profusely and promised to make it up to her with Domino's which was on its way to his room.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>She quickly put her clothes on, taking her own shirt in hand and heading out the door.</em>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Did anyone spot the Outlander reference? Didn't realize I'd stolen it until after I wrote it down! Shoutout to Diana Gabaldon.</p><p>Curious if anyone caught the item that connects the two timelines in this chapter... here's a clue: it's a piece of clothing.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. i crumble completely when you cry</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>a short penultimate chapter, introducing a third timeline — 6 years after they met, 4 years before the present timeline.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>REY</p>
<p>
  <em>When Rey walked out of his dorm room door, she fully intended to walk out of his life. She'd meant it when she said no string attached, but she couldn't seem to shake him from her memory — in the middle of class, every time she ate mac and cheese, whenever she smoked. She wondered what it might feel like to have normal-not-first-time sex with him.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>The annoyance of her virginity out of the way, she'd pursued a few other hook ups in the intervening months. Yet she couldn't help but compare each partner to Ben. No one's thoughtfulness, or touch, or warmth measured up. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Her dramatic departure that first night should have made it a little embarrassing when she texted him that winter break. But she felt completely shameless. She needed him.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>He definitely didn’t know she had his number. It sat dormant on her phone since that night. After stuffing their faces with pizza, when Finn walked Rose back to her dorm like the gentleman he was, Rey had scoured his laptop for their college's directory.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>The number was saved as "Ben Spliff" — the smell of tobacco had been so strong on him that night, it made an impression.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>With four weeks couch surfing in New York City, unwilling to try and stay with her former foster parents, she hoped she could convince him to come to her, wherever he might be.</em>
</p>
<p>To Ben Spliff: I think you still owe me mac and cheese.</p>
<p>
  <em>Not the most informative opening text — he probably had offered many girls mac and cheese since that night, but she didn't think "it’s me the person who took your virginity" struck the right tone.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Just minutes later her phone buzzed.</em>
</p>
<p>From Ben Spliff: I think you forfeited that when you left.</p>
<p>
  <em>Hmm, so he was still hurt about that.</em>
</p>
<p>To Ben Spliff: Never was very good at goodbyes. You live in the city?</p>
<p>From Ben Spliff: No, but just a Metro North train ride away. You ok?</p>
<p>
  <em>She blew him off and he was worried about her? This guy was too good to be true.</em>
</p>
<p>To Ben Spliff: I'm fine, just wondering if you want to go again. Learn any new tricks?</p>
<p>From Ben Spliff: One or two. Where and when?</p>
<p>To Ben Spliff: I'm broke and sleeping on a friend's couch this week. Got any ideas?</p>
<p>From Ben Spliff: Yes. The W in Union Square, tomorrow, 6pm. Under my name.</p>
<p>To Ben Spliff: Remind me what that is again?</p>
<p>
  <em>That must have been a bridge too far because it was almost twenty minutes before he wrote back.</em>
</p>
<p>From Ben Spliff: Ben Solo. Glad I made such an impression.</p>
<p>
  <em>He must have wanted her, too, because the following night he was there at 6:15pm. She was sitting on the bed when he walked in. Taller, and somehow more handsome than she remembered. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>"Hi, stranger."</em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>BEN</p>
<p>
  <em>"Hi, stranger." She ran to him as the door closed behind him.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>He lifted her up, greeting her lips with a deep kiss. 6 years later and he still wasn't tired of this. He wondered if she remembered it was the anniversary of their first time. Probably not, but he didn't mind. Her legs wrapped around him and he walked them to the bed.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>She was eager, he could tell. "It's been a while. Are you ready for me?" He grinned into her neck.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>"I'm never ready for you, but I always want you, anyway." Her voice was breathy.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Always. The word made his heart race. At the ripe age of 24 he had long since given up on anything meaningful with anyone else. Every date, every morning after a harsh reminder that he loved the one person he could never truly have. This time he had one last card to play, one last chance to make this more than a long distance hook up: his written job offer in San Francisco, the envelope burning a hole in his backpack. The impending moment of telling her both thrilled and terrified him.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>As they caught their breath after, chests heaving and smiles wide, he reached for the room service menu.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>"I believe, since you came east of the Mississippi, I owe you dinner," he handed it to her. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>She stroked an invisible mustache as she reviewed her options.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>"Want to share the burger and spaghetti?" She beamed as she looked over at him, her hair curling from sweat around her forehead.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>"Sounds perfect." He sat up and called in the order.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>"Hey, I-" </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>"So I met this guy," Rey said, her eyes on the ceiling.</em>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. seems like once again you've had to greet me with goodbye</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Ben, </p><p>I hate to see you upset. Maybe this way we can both get what we want. I'm sorry. Until next time. </p><p>Rey</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Wow, I can't believe we're at the last chapter! Thank you all so much for reading and for your kind words. If you've enjoyed this angsty story, please let me know! This has been my first fic, who knows if I'll feel the bug to write again, but I'm so grateful to you all. Thank you for coming on this journey with me!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>REY</p><p>
  <em>It wears on a person to love someone who will never love them back — or never admit it, at least. Given her sob story of a childhood, she knew that better than anyone. Maybe her upbringing was precisely what made Ben so irresistible to her. Why she kept going when he called and called him to her. Unrequited love in its extreme. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Six years to the day since their first time together, and each hint dropped, each silent plea for more than this had given her nothing. He, who hadn't had a meaningful relationship in his life, who would never dream of a life outside New York, who had no interest in making a family with anyone.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The one thing she wanted, and the one person she wanted it with. But after six years, she had finally found a lifeline. Poe was movie star handsome, and charming, and funny. Most importantly, he was where she was and wanted the same things. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>She thought no one would ever measure up to Ben, this romantic ideal she'd built up in her mind. But she couldn’t give up her plans for him when she knew he wanted different things. Her plans weren't changing, and neither were his. Her throat felt tight as she spoke, but she put on a brave face and pushed through.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"What about you? Have you been seeing anyone?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He'd uncharacteristically disengaged from the conversation, she needed to reel him back in. But her question didn't stir him from where he lay, staring at the ceiling.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"You know me, I have no interest in that," he sighed.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Right."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>There was a knock at the door — their dinner. A welcome distraction from this lull. He rose to get it.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I do, though," her voice was louder than she intended. "This alone isn't enough, you know?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He held her gaze, his expression indecipherable. "Right."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He pulled a shirt and sweats on and opened the door, letting the bellhop wheel the table inside. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>They were silent as he set up the food. When they were alone again, Ben stayed on the far end of the room.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Aren't you hungry?" She asked.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Actually, I think I need some air."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"What? Ben, it's February in Boston… it's like twenty degrees out."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Yeah, that's fine. I just need a few minutes… just need some air.” He wasn’t allowed to be mad — he was the one who didn’t want anything more meaningful, right? He’d rather keep his long distance hook up as it was. She wanted a future, and since he clearly didn’t want one with her or anyone, why shouldn’t she find it elsewhere? If he didn’t like it, that was fine.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Ben, what-"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I'll be back in a bit, don't wait up."</em>
</p><p>BEN</p><p>
  <em>When he came back to the room an hour later, the food was cold and her bag was gone. The garbage was full of crumpled tissues — had she been crying? On the bedside table the hotel stationery pad had a note scrawled on it. </em>
</p><p>Ben,</p><p>I hate to see you upset. Maybe this way we can both get what we want. I'm sorry. Until next time.</p><p>Rey</p><p>--</p><p>He's panicking. She's starting to pack her bag, and she's ending this, and she's not making any sense. She's always gotten what she wanted. She's had him wrapped around her finger for a <em>decade</em> and now she's acting like the opposite is true. Like she, who has a functional relationship and a community and a career, is the one who's suffering. Like he, with his pathetic, unsatisfying one night stands and cold bed wields any power here. </p><p>"Rey, I thought you wanted this," he says again, each word falling somewhere on the spectrum of anger and fear and crushing sadness. She's crying harder now. "Rey, I love you." </p><p>She freezes.</p><p>"Don’t… you... <em>dare</em>." Her back is still to him, her shoulders tight. She resumes packing, so he continues.</p><p>"I have probably loved you since the night we met," his voice cracks.</p><p>At that, she spins on him, her eyes livid. "Don't you dare!"</p><p>"But you said no string attached, you left the first chance you had!"</p><p>"Stop it!"  </p><p>"You made it clear what you wanted from me, and I didn’t think that had changed in the last ten years."</p><p>"Don't tell me what I want like you know anything about me," she shouts, tears streaming down her face. "You have no idea how hard it's been seeing Finn and Rose have a <em>normal</em>, loving relationship. Seeing them build a family together. Seeing Finn hold Paige and wanting so <em>desperately</em> to have a baby of my own. Poe can give me that. Poe wants that." </p><p>"You think I don't want a family?" </p><p>She gapes at him, her cheeks glistening and chest heaving with silent sobs.</p><p>"You think I don't want a family with you?" He steps towards her, slowly as if she'll spook.</p><p>"No," she whispers.</p><p>He closes the distance between them and wraps his arms around her. Her hands come up to cross her chest as he hugs her tight.</p><p>He brings his mouth to the shell of her ear. "I love you, Rey. Please let me show you. Don't let us end."</p><p>She sighs, but she's stopped crying. "I have to go. My flight leaves in 3 hours." Her voice is muffled. She doesn't move to break their embrace.</p><p>This is his last chance. If he lets her leave this hotel room, he'll never see her again.</p><p>"Please, don't marry him." He's begging. He's holding on for dear life to the only thing he cares about. The only part of his life that is fixed, that matters, is her.</p><p>"I need more than weekends in hotel rooms." She raises her head to him. "And I can't break it off with Poe after four years just because you finally got scared of losing me. He deserves better than that. I want to be better." Her voice is even, a solitary sniffle the only indication of lingering emotion. "I'm not yours. I'm a person, Ben. Don't lie to both of us by pretending you'd ever change your life for me."</p><p>How did this happen? How did he get here? </p><p>His mouth is open but words won't come out. He feels like he’s grasping at smoke. She turns away, not even granting him one last look. He's still standing there, dazed, when the door clicks shut behind her.</p><p>--</p><p>He relishes the burn in his throat as another whiskey goes down. The bar he’s at is just impersonal enough for him to knock back drink after drink without judgement. Perfect for what he needs right now: a distraction.</p><p>He glances down the bar to a couple leaning in close. He wishes he would have taken her here. Anywhere. Any place outside a fucking hotel room. 10 years. He needs another drink.</p><p>“Well aren’t you the picture of a pathetic piece of shit,” a snide voice calls behind him.</p><p>“Has anyone ever told you what a supportive friend you are, Hux?” He knows his words are slurring, but he doesn’t care. Hux takes the stool next to him.</p><p>His friend sighs. “So, it happened today, huh?”</p><p>“According to my intel… yes,” he gestures at the bartender for another. The woman he loves is officially Mrs. Poe Dameron. His stomach roils. All day images of her walking down the aisle to him have flashed in his head. Drinking helps.</p><p>“I’m sorry. I assumed you two would figure it out someday.” Oh no. Hux’s genuine pity is worse than being the object of his mockery. But Ben can’t help but take the bait.</p><p>“Figure what out?”</p><p>“That you’re in love with each other,” Hux says simply.</p><p>Ben scoffs. “She never loved me. And if she did, once… that ship sailed a long time ago. She’s moved on.” He looks over at him.</p><p>“If that’s what you need to tell yourself to not jump into the East River, then sure.” He is too buzzed to figure out what that means. Hux orders himself a beer and another round for Ben. </p><p>Hours later, when he slides his key into the lock and stumbles inside his overpriced apartment, he’s surprised to find the lights on. Must have forgotten to shut them off when he left. But then he sees a suitcase in his entryway. It’s familiar to him, but it’s not his. When he last saw it, she was shoving her belongings inside, tears rolling down her cheeks. </p><p>“Rey?” He calls before his brain can process what’s happening.</p><p>She steps out of his bedroom. “Hi, stranger.”</p><p>“What… what are you doing here?” </p><p>They stare at each other in silence for what feels like hours. He’s still so drunk that he forgets whose turn it is to speak.</p><p>“Rey, why are you here?”</p><p>“I, um,” Her voice is tight, like she’s been crying. “I didn’t marry Poe.”</p><p>He steps towards her, his arms out. She leans forward and falls into them. “Talk to me, please,” Ben says into her neck. She breathes deeply. </p><p>“Are you drunk?” Her tone is light, she’s not angry. If anything, entertained. She pulls back to look at him.</p><p>“A little…” He says sheepishly. It tugs a smile at her lips.</p><p>“Is that my fault?” </p><p>“No. It’s mine,” he confesses. She nods. “I should drink some water, do you want anything?” Releasing her from their embrace feels wrong, but everything is a bit hazy. He heads to his tiny kitchen, while she makes herself comfortable on his couch. A million times he’s thought about her on that couch, and she’s <em>here</em>. How? His head is swimming with confusion and joy and whiskey. </p><p>“You still stock Easy Mac? I’m ravenous. I haven’t eaten since…” She trains off, and her brows knit together.</p><p>“Rey?” She looks up and smiles at him.</p><p>“Sorry — it’s been a long few days.” </p><p>He holds her gaze from across the room. “I think I can do better than Easy Mac.” He grins and sets to boiling water and shredding cheese while downing a glass of water. He needs to clear the haze — needs to take in everything that happens tonight. Every moment. Even though he’s treading water while he waits as patiently as possible for her to tell him. Even though his head is swirling with questions. Why did she choose him? When did she get on the plane? How long has she been waiting here for him as he drowned his sorrows in brown liquor? How did she get <em>in</em>? </p><p>What happens now?</p><p>“Hey, Ben?” He looks over to where she is on the couch, pulling a blanket over herself. “Thank you.” </p><p>Her small voice brings him back to this moment, and with that a clarity he hasn’t felt in weeks. He abandons his task and goes to her, taking her hands in his. “I’m really glad you’re here.”</p><p>She smiles. “Me, too.” </p><p>“And Rey?”</p><p>“Yeah?”</p><p>“I love you.”</p><p>She smiles, and looks relieved. Like she’s been holding her breath since the plane landed. She leans forward and brings her lips to his. “I love you, too.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thank you for reading &lt;3</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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